Twilight VS Harry Potter: The Game Show
by bookwormfanatic
Summary: It's a parody game show which brings to life your favourite Harry Potter and Twilight characters... or it could just be an opportunity to mock the ones you hate. Ask any question you like and Harry, Edward, Draco and any other characters will answer them for you. You can even ask outrageous dares. Rating T for now. Bad language.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, everyone, 'bookwormfanatic' here. This parody is actually inspired by a story I read on fanfiction ages ago. If anyone knows which one I'm referring to, please let me know. I'll try hard not to copy that one.**

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Harry Potter vs Twilight: The Game Show - The shitty script

[Before the game show, designers run around, last minute check-ups, making sure studio is intact. Dangers of werewolves possible exploding. They prepare the after show grub. Faye Atera, sister of Quil and the show's host, also a girl we first met in bookwormfanatic's (**my story**) shitty story about a deranged sucidal girl, stands to one side with the Twilight team. She can't help but check out Draco Malfoy- a hottie from the Harry Potter team. Embry elbows her, annoyed and she quickly calls on both teams attention.]

Faye: So, Twilight folks, you are called Team Edward and Harry-

Jacob: Team Edward! What the fuck do you mean 'Team Edward'?

[Faye pauses and looks at Jacob as though she think he needs stabilising]

Faye: I mean that, since this team is the Twilight Team, you should be called 'Team Edward'.

[Jacob and the rest of the wolf pack look outraged. Edward stops making out with Bella and turns to the pack, graciously, since everything Edward does is so damn perfect and kind and good, huh? Except the part where he sucks blood]

Edward: Why don't we call it the 'Twilight' team?

[The pack nods in unison, satisfied. Jacob opens and closes his mind like a goldfish. He only wants to oppose Edward because he hates him]

Jacob: No, I, don't want to be called the fucking 'Twlight' team. That sounds fucking gay.

Faye: Well, you can complain to your creator about that particular name.

[Jacob looks afraid then]

Faye: You don't want to incur Stephenie Meyer's wrath, do you?

[Jacob quivers and shakes his head. Harry Potter overhears their conversation as he walks past and starts sniggering. Faye thought up ways to frighten him, too]

Faye: Good. Now sit down. There's a good dog.

[Producers are commanding Faye's attention. Make up artists are rushing around, touching up people... With makeup! Jesus Christ!

Faye turns to Harry Potter and Co. She keeps her eyes firmly away from Draco lest Embry should attack him. She found something so about appealing bad boys. Grr!]

Faye: Now, you guys are the 'Magic Wands'.

[It seems every single person in the studio, except Faye and Snape find this extremely hilarious. Once the laughter dies down, Snape speaks up]

Snape: I refuse to be named something so degrading. Who comes up with these names?

Faye: The cleaner.

[Everyone turns to the forlorn cleaner, who stands to one side muttering to himself. They sigh in sympathy and Faye brightens]

Faye: Great, so let's get started! I'll introduce everyone, of course.

[Faye introduces each person on the Twilight team and when she moves onto introduce Minevra Mcgonagall, she notices a change in Edwards expression. He's attracted to her. Edward Cullen is attracted to Professor Mcgonagall!]

Faye: You are closer to her age than Bella's, I suppose.

Edward: Wha-what?

Faye: Nothing. Now let's go on with the show! We'll have messages and emails from your fans very shortly hopefully. Unless no one likes you and thinks you're shit, I suppose.

Draco: All the girls will be calling for me.

Faye [outraged]: No, they will not!

Draco: What-

Faye. Let's start the show!

**AN: Give your questions and requests in for the Twilight team or The Magic Wands team to answer. I'm sorry about the swearing, if you hate swearing. If not, great!**

**Thanks. Hope you enjoy :) xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Round one:**

[The audience applauds as the show's theme tune plays. The sound of a wailing cat fills the studio. Everyone winces in pain.

Faye faces the camera with a fake bright smile]

Faye: Good evening, everyone! Welcome to the brand-new show: Twilight VS Harry Potter. The show where we've plucked the Twilight and Harry Potter characters away from their creators' claws. Boy were they happy to get away!

[A murmur of agreement resonates from both teams]

Faye: This show aims to answer any unanswered questions, address our favourite characters and also traumatise them-

Voldemort: Wait, what?

[Faye turns to give him a sharp look, to which Voldemort ignores]

Voldemort (standing): I didn't sign up for this. It's bad enough I'm having to sit around with you filthy muggles and you mutts-

[The pack growls in his direction, Lupin grins at them in show of wolf support]

Ron (sniggering): Well, you can't exactly sit. You're a ghost after all.

Nearly-headless Nick (sighing): Oh, ignore him. He says inconsiderate, heartless jokes about the fact that I'm dead, too.

Hermione: Well, it's hardly any of our concern whether You-Know-Who is hurt by Ron's jokes, Nick.

[Harry turns to Hermione with a look of hero-worship and ignores Ginny's outstretched hand]

Faye (trying to regain control): Anyway, this show shall commence. With popular well-known quiz questions directed at each team. If a team gets the answer wrong (which they will because all the answers are difficult) then the whole team get gunk thrown over them. If they get a question right, they win a kiss from their crush on whichever team or even a member of the staff, that they want. It's pretty simple. Now, I'll let you have five minutes to decide who you wish to represent your teams.

[Faye turns to the Twilight team and finds Edward and Bella making out again. She sighs, gets up from her seat and makes her way over to them. They don't notice her until she clears her throat. They ignore her, hands all over each other, fully engrossed in the act]

Faye: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan-

Esme (delightedly): She's a Cullen now.

Faye (dismissively): Alright, alright. No need to get excitable, she's not your real daughter.

[One person cheers from the audience, Renee, Bella's mother]

Faye: Edward and Bella Cullen please remove your oral cavities away from each other right now or I shall release the gunk.

[The pack burst into raucous laughter and cheering. They start to chant]

The pack: Release the gunk! Release the gunk

[By now, Bella has tragically moved away from Edward. She looks tragically at Edward and sobs tragically. It's all so... tragic.

Faye releases the gunk, despite them stopping the public displays of affection. The pack cheers, while Faye cackles evilly and moves to her seat. Embry follows her like a strict guard, looking menacingly at everyone]

Faye: Now, who shall represent the Magic Wands? I'm sure you guys have got your act together, unlike this team - Hagrid! Your dog is slobbering all over the food we made specially for you guys.

Voldemort: Good. Who wants muggle food anyway?

Faye (eyes flashing): Shut up, Voldy.

Voldemort (grumbling): A woman and a muggle telling me what to do. If only I was still alive...

Faye (furious): Who shall represent the Magic Wands?

Magic Wands: Voldy

[Voldemort turns around looking angry]

Peter Pettigrew: W-we meant Voldemort, m-my lord.

[Voldemort looks threateningly at Peter, who decides to stop ass-kissing]

Faye: Who else?

Harry (modestly): I'll give it a go. I mean, I may not be good at it, but...

Faye: Well, then forget you. Who's a serious contender on this team?

Magic Wands: Hermione.

Faye: Oh, fuck. I forgot you were here. Team Twilight, you should probably throw in the towel, you've already lost. Who else? Oh, hurry up, will you?

[Magic Wands look around, hopelessly. Harry notices Dobby and lightens up.]

Faye: I think Dobby should play. I think he'll make it interesting.

Voldemort: Hey! You're not supposed to pick for us! We'll lose now that we have a house-elf representing us.

Faye: Again, I shall repeat myself, shut up, Voldy. I'm the host, I make the rules. I own this. This is my world. Now, shut up.

Embry (whispers to her, worriedly): Honey, you sound like a dictator-

Faye: Shut up!

Embry (timidly): Ok.

[Faye turns to the Twilight Team again, her sharp eyes surveying the competition. She is biased towards the team because her friends and family are in it. She wants strong contenders to come forward. But, she knows their incompetence will not allow any genius]

Jacob: I'm going to play!

Faye: Fine. Who else?

Paul: Well...

Faye: No, you're too volatile. Who else?

Bella: I could do it. I know a lot about-

Faye: Shut up, you. You annoy me. Don't speak for the remainder of the show.

[Then she remembers she's live on TV and smiles brightly at the camera]

Faye: Come on, guys. Who will represent you?

Aro: I believe I shall.

Faye (pretending to be sweet): So, that's two. Please hurry, guys, our audience are patiently waiting (and slowly contemplating suicide like I once did).

Embry: Don't think about that, honey. You may start crying-

Faye (looking up at him, sharply): I'm fine. Now, guys. Hurry up, please.

[The Twilight Team sit silently for a long moment before Faye loses it]

Faye (standing up): Fuck this! I can't pretend to be a cheery, happy person. You'll deal with the real me if you don't answer in five, four, three-

Sam: I'll do it!

Faye (grumbling): Fine. Bloody hell.

Ron: My catchphrase-

Faye: Keep that mouth shut, ginger!

[Everyone settles down again. Faye sits back comfortably, with Embry stood rigid by her side. Faye sits regally almost like a queen on her throne. The contestants step forward, while the rest of the team sit behind them like an audience. Hermione takes her seat in the middle in between a disgusted Voldemort and an adorable Dobby. Aro sits in the middle with Sam and Jacob on either side of him. He holds his nose, tightly, much like Edward did when he first smelt Bella]

Faye: Everyone knows the rules. Press the buzzer if you think you know the answer. This first part will deal with common MUGGLE knowledge-

Voldemort and Draco: Ugh!

Faye: This question is posed to the Magic Wands. Question one: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

[Voldemort and Hermione look blank]

Faye: It's a joke. Not really worthy of being called knowledge, but most muggles would know jokes.

[They still looked blank]

Faye: Come on, Hermione. You're a muggle-born, you should know this.

[Jacob and Sam are laughing hysterically at the Magic Wands]

Jacob: That's so damn, easy.

Hermione (scowling): Well, I didn't exactly have time to study jokes. I was a little preoccupied.

Faye: I suppose that's true. What about you, Voldemort?

[Voldemort was looking at the Twilight Team with confusion]

Voldemort (suddenly yelling out): Hey, I killed you!

Edward: Me? You didn't kill me. I'm an 100 year old vampire and I've never met you. I think I'd remember a man like you, especially considering you have no nose-

Voldemort: I do have a nose!

Faye: God, Voldy. Why are you so damn childish? Do you know the fucking answer or not?

Voldemort (sheepish): No, I don't.

Faye: What about you, Dobby?

Dobby: Miss Faye Atera, I believe the answer is 'no ideer' as in 'no idea'.

Faye: That's correct, Dobby! A point to Dobby. You may now kiss your crush.

[Dobby staggers out towards Faye, with a knife still in his chest, mesmerised look on his face. Faye looks at him, horrified. Luckily, Embry steps in and picks Dobby up, returning him to his seat at the desk]

Faye (still recovering): Right... Er... Team Twilight? Your question is... Ooh! Snape would like this one, nostalgic memories: 'What is a bezoar?'"

[Jacob, Quil and Aro look confused. Now Hermione is grinning, holding her hand up, desperate to be asked]

Faye (without turning around): Hermione, stop that irritating sticking your hand up thing you do. This isn't class. You don't have to suck up to me.

[The audience 'ooh' at that. Hermione turns red and Harry and Ron hurl abuse at Faye. Faye shrugs and waits for the Twilight team to get the answer]

Aro: We do not know that foolishly, pathetic, lame-brain- don't move, dog! Everytime you move your odor gets in my nose. You reek!

[Jacob stares at Aro, in shock. Aro is holding is nose so tightly it comes off. He howls in pain, (over-dramatic) and then sticks it back on. Voldemort looks amazed, he wants to know how to get another nose]

Faye (with realisation): Neither do I, know the answer that is. Hermione, please do the honours.

Hermione: A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons.

Faye: Well done. Cleverly memorised word-for-word from Snape's lesson. Both teams do not get a point, but Twilight, you guys have to get get gunked. You now must change your players.

[Jacob and Sam groan, but Aro looks quite excited, either at the realisation that he will get away from the two 'mutts' or because he enjoys getting gunked]

Audience: Get gunked! Get gunked! Get gunked!

[The losing team gets covered in slimy green stuff. Aro gets over-energtic and starts throwing bits of gunk at Carlisle and Esme]

Aro: Take that, Carlisle! I hate you for always being so much better looking than me, while I look like a beetle. No, a squashed beetle. Take that! You ... bastard! Ooh, that felt scandalous. Bastard, bastard, bastard...

[Faye desperately tries to regain control, but sadly to no avail. She quickly calls for a break]

Faye: That was the end of Round One. Please stay around for Round Two. Oh, and don't forgot to send emails. We will try to get one of these nutters to answer them for you. We got an email, so I suppose some people are listening. The viewer whose name is 'madnessdownunder2' has suggested we should debate the two books. I agree! I think that's a genius idea. Perhaps, we should try to get that in for the last segment. I'll have a word with my producer. Thank you very much for your suggestion. Another viewer, Anastasia, also suggested that we put Draco on the spot and ask him and everyone else embarrasing questions. I have no problem with that, in fact, I'm sadistic so I encourage that. If you guys want me to ask your own personal questions, by all means, send them in. I'll try to ask them your own questions.

[Gunk lands on Faye and the camera]

Faye (screeching): Cut to the break! Cut to the break!

_**To be continued...**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Round 2**

[The cameras start rolling and the familiar and haunting sound of a wailing cat fills the studio. Faye faces the camera with a fake bright smile]

Faye: Good evening, everyone! Welcome back to Twilight VS Harry Potter. The show where we've plucked the Twilight and Harry Potter characters away from their creators' claws.

[A look of misery passes across most members of the teams. They now realise how miserable their time on the show will be]

Faye: This show aims to answer any unanswered questions, address our favourite characters and also traumatise them-

[A collective sigh is heard from both the Twilight team and the Magic Wands. Voldemort huffs in irritation]

Faye: Now, for round 2, we've decided to spice it up a little. Some of our viewers have sent messages in and I thank you profusely. We will get started with the first one... Ooh. Malfoy, you'll be pleased to know that you already have a fan. Anastasia Malfoy- oh! She's married to you, how sweet. Anyway, she writes that she loves you very much.

[Draco smooth his hair back and smirks. Faye almost swoons, so immediately begins to be hard on him. She doesn't want everyone to know her weakness. She will be as cruel to him as everyone else.]

Draco: Well, I can hardly blame her.

Faye (smirks back): She wishes me to ask you some very embarrassing questions.

[Draco's smirk drops and he suddenly looks nervous]

Faye (smiles sweetly at the camera): Sorry about that Anastasia, but Malfoy is now going to the subject of scrutiny, embarrassment and maybe even heartbreak!

[The audience gasps, but Ron and Harry cheer]

Faye: I have thought these questions up myself. You must answer honestly and you must not ignore the objective of the question. Now, first few questions. Have you ever imagined Hermione naked? Do you find Hermione attractive? Would you get with her despite her being a muggle-born if she ever glanced your way?

[Draco's face is bright red, his eyes are blinking fast. Hermione looks disgusted, and stares at him, seemingly willing him to answer 'no' to each question. Ron throws his shoe in Faye's direction, much like what that cool reporter did to President Bush. Embry catches it easily and snarls at Ron, running in his direction. Ron runs away out of the studio. Everyone hears the sound of fists cracking bones and groans in sympathy]

Faye: Well? We're waiting, Malfoy.

Draco: I'm not answering that!

Faye: Is that because you've got something to hide?

Draco (objecting): No! I would never-

Faye: Jane?

[Jane stands up at the sound of her name, she has a twisted smile on her face, staring longingly at Draco. She can't wait to torture him and then maybe suck his blood. Yummy! He looks delicious!]

Faye: This girl here, Draco, is a ruthless torture machine. She may look like a harmless girl on the outside, but trust me, you don't want to get on the wrong side of her. Now, what will it be?

Draco (fearfully): I ... I may have imagined her naked once...

[Some of the audience groan in horror, but most are screaming with delight]

Faye (grinning): So, it's all been revealed. Now, you must find her attractive then?

Draco (stammering): Y-yes... But, I'm a guy! Of course I do. What do you expect? But, I would never get with her if she 'glanced' my way. Are you out of your mind? Sure, she's hot, I'll give her that, but she's a filthy mud-

Faye (warning): Boy, you better shut up.

[Draco shuts his mouth and sits back in his seat, his face burning]

Faye (looking down at her sheets): Also, you're really scared and jealous of Harry, aren't you?

Draco: I'm not!

Faye: Edward Cullen is not so much of a torture machine, but he can read minds. Edward, do us the honour of-

Draco: Fine! Yes I am jealous of him and ... sometimes I get scared of him.

[The audience, Magic Wands are laughing hard at him. Twilight team feel sorry for him. Draco's face is as red as a tomato by now]

Faye: Ok. We'll move on from bullying Malfoy. Another viewer, aww she calls herself 'missjakie' , ooh... Jakie's got some admirers. Shame he has a weird crush on little Renesmee, huh? So, Jacob now has to- oh, no, wait. We'll have Ron back for this. Embry!

[Embry appears as quick as a flash]

Faye: Is Ron still alive? I hope you haven't gone too far and killed him. You see, we need him in this part.

Embry: No, he's still alive. I'll just get him.

[Ron staggers in after Embry, looking drunk. His face is bruised and he is limping. Faye grimaces in sympathy. Even she thinks Embry went a little too far. Ron sits next to Harry and Hermione]

Faye: Now, a viewer would like Jacob to KISS Hermione.

[The audience wolf-whistles. Jacob and Hermione look awkward. Ron looks furious, but doesn't do anything to Faye for fear of being attacked. Jacob shuffles over to Hermione and pecks her lips. The audience cheers.]

Faye: Um. What the heck was that? We're in the 21st century. That does not constitute as a kiss at all. Hermione, stand up and put some effort into it, woman!

[Hermione glances at Ron, but stands up. They wrap their arms around each other and this time make out properly. There are tongues and feeling up involved. Hermione looks as though she will faint. Ron finally loses it, and punches Jacob hard. Sadly, Jacob is a werewolf and does not feel the pain. Ron, however, does]

Ron (crying): My hand! My hand! Oh, mummy!

Faye (ignoring him): Let us now round this message part up by thanking our lovely viewers for their support. We've had four bloody messages, that's a record, I say. I didn't think anyone would watch this show. Fucking fantastic. Now, let us give our round of applause for our lovely viewers.

[Audience applause until their hands are red and raw]

Faye: Now, let's move on to the quiz. Well done to Twilight Team, you have a point from the last round. Perhaps you'll keep your winning streak up. (Not that there is much of it).

Will both teams now please choose their representatives.

Belatrix Lestrange: I will do it and no one will stop me.

Faye: Of course, you psycho bitch. We all know that you can't be stopped... even though Mrs Weasley did stop you and she killed you good. But, all the same you can play. Who else will give this round a go?

Mad-eye Moody: I will. Constant vigilance, is what I say!

Faye (uneasy, avoiding his eyes): Yes... Um... Anyone else?

Luna (dreamily): I will.

Faye: Yes, well, we'll see how this goes then. Twilight Team, who have brought forward?

Jacob: Bella-

Faye: No.

Irina: I'll do it.

Faye (contemplating it): Hmm. I don't really know if this team can trust you, perhaps you'll betray them or something. It's part of your character, of course. Is there anyone else willing to come forward?

Rosalie: I'll do it. Emmett will, too. Won't you?

[Emmett nods, annoyed. He doesn't really want to be part of it]

Faye (smiling): Perfect. So, Irina, Emmett and Rosalie, come forward and take your seats at the table. Now, let us begin. You have to hit the buzzer for these questions. Question number 1: How was the tale of Cinderella originally told?

Emily: Oh, I know it-

Faye: But, you're not on the team, Em, so keep it shut.

[Team Twilight presses the buzzer]

Emmett: Um, is it-? Do the bears come home and have sex with her?

Faye (looking disgusted): No! What the heck is wrong with you? Would you have sex with a fucking bear?

Emmett (slowly): No, I guess I wouldn't.

Faye: Oh, I forgot, you'd suck it's blood dry. My bad.

Irina: Do the bears kill her?

Faye: No.

Rosalie: Then she sucks the bear's blood dry.

Faye: Do you read Renesmee any fairy tales at all? Cinderella has nothing to with bears. We'll move on to other the team. What a bunch of fuckwits...

Mad-eye moody: I believe the answer is that Cinderella finds her way home...

Faye: No, that's the Wizard of Oz, but good try. Lestrange?

Bellatrix: She disintegrates into a million pieces and then as she dies, she returns back to life and haunts each individual human being, driving them insane. Each night she sneaks up behind them and taunts them, especially the intelligent people. Those who wish to work for the Dark Lord, she never leaves them, always influences them.

[The audience and the staff all sit quietly, watching her with confused and creeped out expressions]

Bellatrix: She'll come back, she'll harm your families, your loved ones. She'll revel in their pain, it will be- boo!

[Everyone jumps and some people scream out]

Faye: Holy shit, you really are a psycho bitch and that was the wrong answer. Luna?

Voldemort: Oh, hear we go. This stupid girl will never get the answer.

Luna: Cinderella's feet are hacked off by her step sisters and in return Cinderella's friends (birds) peck their eyes out.

[Voldemort and Bellatrix cackle, amused.]

Voldemort: That's not the answer, you foolish girl-

Faye: It is correct! Well done, Luna.

Voldemort (confused): Ey?

Faye: You may now kiss your crush.

[Luna looks around before finding Nevillie, she pecks him on the lips, blushing. Then she walks back to her seat. Neville looks stunned]

Faye: Now, this next question deals with magic. What is transfiguration?

[Twilight team object, while Magic Wands press the buzzer]

Emmett: How do you expect us to know that?

Faye: What is your answer, Magic Wands?

Mad-eye Moody: Transfiguration is a branch of magic that focuses on the alteration of the form or appearance of an object, via the alteration of the object's molecular structure.

Faye (amazed): You sound like a dictionary, but well done. Two points to you guys now. Let's see if Twilight Team can catch up. These questions relate to religion, they are pretty easy.

Question number three: According to the Bible, which disciple betrayed Jesus?

[Irina presses the buzzer with super-speed]

Irina: Judas.

Voldemort: Who the heck is Jesus? What is the bible?

Faye: Shut up, Voldy. Irina, go kiss your crush.

[Irina looks lost. She looks around and then she just shrugs]

Irina: I don't like anyone here.

Faye: Fine. Your loss. Both teams are tied at two. Question four: What are the followers of the religion of Islam called?

[Both teams look blank. Audience members shout out the answer and Faye silences them with a glare]

Faye: moving on. This is the last question. Question five: What is Hinduism?

[Both teams again look blank, only members of the audience seem to know.]

Faye: The answer was: a religion. (Now muttering) Bloody bunch of morons. Incompetent fools. (Again loud and cheerful) Now, this is the end of round 2. Please don't go away. Send your requests and questions in and we'll answer them. Both teams are tied at two points. We will have to dare them soon, so please send your dares in, however outrageous, and these guys will do them if they want to win.

**_To be continued..._**


	4. Chapter 4

**Round 3**

[The cameras start rolling and straight away it becomes clear that there is tension in the studio, everyone is dreading taking part in the dares. Faye on the other hand looks delighted]

Faye (grinning): Welcome back to Twilight VS Harry Potter. The show where we've plucked the Twilight and Harry Potter characters away from their creators' claws-

Draco: Can you say something different now? You've been saying the same thing every time the show started. It's getting dull. Also, why are you speaking into a box?

Faye (grin widens): It's not a box, dear Drakey and I have a treat for you coming right up. Thanks a lot Anastasia babe.

Draco (groaning): Not another one-

Faye: Don't worry, you'll love it. (To the audience) welcome back, we will be continuing with the dares and the Quiz in a moment, but first, let us read some messages from our viewers. 'Madness from down under 2' writes "heeheheheheheheheheeee!" So I can tell she/he is really enjoying it. Thank you very much for that. Much love to you. Consider that a lot because I don't really give out my love to people because I don't have much to give-

Embry (looking concerned): Don't say that, honey.

Faye (smiles at him and pats his cheek): Thanks a lot again to Madness. You're from Australia, are you not? Impressive. You guys have awesome accents. I die when I here an Aussie speak. In a good way of course. If there is a good way...

On the topic of viewership. I have great news. I spoke earlier to our broadcasting manager and he said we were getting over 100 views! Amazing! Everyone please applaud.

[Audience applauds]

Faye: Now our second message is from Anastasia. She loves Draco very dearly, in fact she writes that she loves Draco...

Draco (smirking): What can I say? The girls flock to me even when they know I'm a bastard.

Faye: Yes, all the girls love a bad guy. Including me... I do love _you_, Embry, of course. Anyway, Draco will you please take your place next to Harry.

Draco (suspiciously): Why?

Faye (looking excited): You have to kiss Harry!

[Draco and Harry both look queasy. They glare at each other and then at Faye, who looks so happy she almost falls off her chair]

Draco: I'm NOT kissing ... that.

Harry: Likewise. I'm not gay.

Faye: You have to. I don't care if you're gay or not. You will do as I say. You will do as Anastasia says.

Draco (darkly): I hate Anastasia.

Faye: Well, she did say she was very sorry to make you do this.

Draco: Well, I don't care. If she loved me she'd give me easy dares. I can't kiss him. I feel sick at the thought of it. I'd rather kiss the dog than Potter.

Faye: You can kiss the dog, too, if you want. Now hurry up. Oh, and Eddy, please tell us their thoughts. Are they enjoying it and so on-

Draco: I can assure you, I will NOT enjoy it.

Faye: Harry, you're quiet there. No objections?

Harry: Well, I can imagine you'll get that girl to torture us if we don't kiss so, I have no choice really.

Faye: You know me too well. Now hurry up.

[Audience chants. Draco drags his feet while he walks over to Harry and pecks him on the lips. Everyone cheers. While Harry suddenly lashes out and punches Malfoy. Malfoy cries out in pain]

Faye (furious): For that, Harry, you will have to kiss him again.

[Harry and Draco kiss again, this time more comfortable.]

Faye: Eddy, what were their thoughts?

Edward: Harry enjoyed it, in fact, he would give it a go again if he weren't so worried that people would judge him for it. Draco is now counting backwards in Spanish. Now he's moved on to Arabic.

Faye: Clever ruse, Malfoy. Now let's move on to the quiz. Anastasia asked us before the last round to ask everyone embarrasing questions. Last time it was Malfoy, this time I think I'll pick on someone from the Twilight Team.

[Edward groans when he hears the direction of Faye's thoughts]

Faye: Eddy, please tell us who you have a crush on in this room?

Edward (immediately): Bella, of course.

Faye (cackles): No, you do not. You LOVE Bella, though I don't know why, but a crush is not the same as love. There's a ... mature woman in this room that you have been captivated by-

[Alice suddenly gasps, she has forseen the future, which I will not tell you. Edward looks at her with wide eyes and glances at Bella and then at Mcgonagall]

Alice (sadly): Oh, Bella.

Faye: Alice, where were you? I forgot all about you...

Alice (smiles forgetting the future event): Hey, girl, how you doing?

Faye: Oh, I'm alright, I suppose. Just popping out babies at the moment.

Alice: Oh, how old is your little baby again?

Faye: He's just a few months old. He's a cute little thing. My first child. I'm very proud. How about you, what have you been doing lately?

Alice: Oh, you know, the usual. Screwing Jasper, shopping, baby-sitting Renesmee. Just been boring. I'd been looking forward to this show before you even started thinking about it. I'm glad it's finally here.

Faye: So am I! It's totally fun having people at my will, ordering them around-

Paul: Isn't that what Embry's for?

Faye (glares): Fuck you.

Paul: No, thanks, I've got a hotter chick. Besides don't we have a show to do?

Faye (alert): Oh! Oh yeah. Alice, you little bitch, you made forget all about this little show. I'll talk to you later, alright hun?

Alice: Sure thing, doll.

Faye (turns back to the camera): Now, is the question time-

[Team Twilight start to whisper amongst themeselves. Faye can't hear what they are saying, but is disturbed by their incessant muttering.]

Leah: Hey, Faye. Did you end up getting that dress?

Faye: Oh, yeah. No, I decided to-

Embry (dryly): Babe, they're trying to distract you until the show finishes.

Faye (furious again): Right, well, we'll crank up the punishment a notch then.

[Both Twilight Team and Magic Wands groan. Magic wands throw their shoes at Twilight Team]

Faye: Now we decided before the camera started rolling to choose the representatives beforehand. Team Twilight chose Paul, Emmett and Bella, while the Magic Wands chose Ron, Draco and Fleur. I have given up on the kissing your crush thing. I think that's just crap now. Anyway, let's continue.

Faye: Apparantly you guys read each other's books?

[Both teams nod]

Faye: Excellente. Now, first question, which is directed at the Magic Wands. Why does Bella do dangerous things like cliff-diving, riding motorcycles, etc?

Ron: Because she's crazy.

Faye: I would like to say that you are correct, but sadly according to the books, we are both wrong. But, you get half a point for that.

Paul: Hey, that's cheating!

Faye (ignores him): We'll now move on to Team Twilight. From which platform does the Hogwarts Express leave the King's Cross train station?

[Bella presses the buzzer]

Bella: 9 and 3/4s.

Faye (grumbling): You get a point.

[Emmett slaps Bella on the back]

Faye: Magic Wands, what is Edward's condition to change Bella into a vampire himself?

[Bella starts protesting. Fleur takes a look of her embarrased expression and presses the buzzer]

Fleur: 'e tells 'er they veel 'ave sex.

Faye: Well done. A pont to you, too. Both teams are now drawed on three points. Except Magic Wands also have half a point extra. Team Twilight, what momentous event was the reason that the members of the Order of the Phoenix felt it necessary to move Harry out of the Dursley's house?

[Emmett presses the buzzer]

Emmett: He gets attacked.

Faye: No, he was always attacked, what would be the point of moving him in the seventh year for that reason, if that was the case? A little common sense would be nice, Emmett.

Bella: Is it-

Faye: No. We'll move on to Magic Wands. Who did Sam date before he imprinted with Emily?

Fleur: Leah. (To Leah) I was so sorry to 'ear of your story. I like you better.

Leah (pleased): Thanks. You're really pretty, by the way.

Fleur: zank you.

Faye: So, Magic Wands are in the lead with four and a half points, while Team Twilight are on three points. Shame on you.

Paul: It's Emmett, he's a fucking moron and he's making it hard for me to breath. Burns my nose.

Emmett (angry): You smell like a wet dog, so pipe the fuck down.

Faye: How about both of you pipe the fuck down? We are on a tight schedule and we've already run over it. Question number six. This is directed at Team Twilight. What was the second spell that Harry saw being used on Snape (by James) in the pensieve that was in Snape's office?

[Team Twilight look confused, and bewildered at the question]

Faye: Moving on. Question seven for Magic Wands. What are some names that the vampires call the werewolves?

[When no one goes forward, Malfoy presses the buzzer]

Draco: Well, we heard 'mutt' earlier. I believe they probably also call them 'dogs'.

Faye: Correct. Question number eight. This is for Team Twilight now. In book four, Dudley Dursley, Harry's obnoxious muggle cousin, has been even more whiny and ill-tempered than usual, because he is on a strict diet to lose weight. Is this true or false?

Mr Dursely (standing): Don't you talk about my boy like that!

Faye (dismissively): Shut the fuck up, sir.

Mr Dursely (growing purple): Don't talk to me like that! Who do you think-

Faye: I SAID SHUT UP! If you don't take a seat, and shut that fat mouth of yours, I will grow annoyed with you. I will get Jane involved.

[Mr Dursely sits back down, but he's breathing heavily, his little eyes fixed on Faye]

Faye: Great. Now, Team Twilight. The answer, please?

Paul: Well, judging by the size of his father, I'm guessing, true.

Faye: Correct. That leaves Team Twilight with four points and Magic Wands with five and a half.

Now, question nine. Magic Wands, what are some names that the werewolves call the vampires?

Ron (looking delighted): Leeches.

Faye: Correct. Now the final question is open to both teams. Get your hands ready on the buzzer. Question number ten: in what continent is the country Hertia?

[Ron presses the buzzer]

Ron: Asia.

Faye: No. Fleur?

Fleur: Africa?

Faye: No. Drakey?

Draco (dryly): That country doesn't even exist.

Faye: Team Twilight? What do you guys think?

Paul: It doesn't fucking exist.

Faye: Yes, you're right. None of you got that. So, we end the show by thanking our guests, our viewers and our audience.

[Audience applaud]

Faye: Join us next for a brand new episode. We may even have surprising guests coming along.


	5. Chapter 5

[The cameras start rolling and the familiar and haunting sound of a wailing cat fills the studio. Faye faces the camera with her unusually bright smile]

Faye: Good evening, everyone! Welcome to a new episode of: Twilight VS Harry Potter. The show where we've plucked the Twilight and Harry Potter characters away from their creators' claws. We will be expecting loyalty, commitment, and respect from our contestants.

[Certain members are bad tempered by now. Draco and Voldemort are amongst this growing bitter crowd. Sam and Jacob are equally irritated. They would like to return home, but Faye is enjoying her new-found fame]

Faye: Now for this episode we've decided to do a little twist.

Jacob (grumbling): here we go.

Faye: We've decided to debate the two books. Each team must come up with good points that support the Twilight or Harry Potter book series. They have also read their opponent's book so they know exactly what is positive or negative and will use that knowledge to succeed. I am looking for manipulation, greed, and dishonesty in this game.

Carlisle: May I ask why?

Faye (rolling her eyes): Yes, I know that you are a goody two shoes, Carlisle, but live it up a little. We need to spice this up. I'm all for the drama.

Paul (muttering): We know.

Faye: But, before we start this ... heated debate, we must answer and address our lovely viewers who have sent their emails in. I thank you, good peoples.

Hermione (clears throat): That's grammatically incorrect-

Faye (harshly): Well, I'm too dumb to know that. Shut up, please. (Smiling again) Now, 'OMG no way911' wants Edward and Jacob to go against each other. Now, as much as I would love to have them fight and maybe kill each other live on TV, unfortunately the 'magic wands' and 'Team Twlight' have to be against each other. However, I will still make them wear each other's shirts.

[Jacob groans as Faye reaches behind her to pick up a pile of shirts. She sorts through them and throws a 'Team Edward' shirt at Jacob and a 'Team Jacob' shirt at Edward]

Faye: Put them on, boys. (She looks at Edward and frowns) I guess it's 'old man' and boy.

[Edward and Jacob grudgingly wear the shirts while the vamps and wolves laugh hysterically. Aro's nose falls off in mid-laughter. Jane looks revolted and tortures him for making her feel sick]

Faye (ignoring a screaming Aro): Thank you very much 'OMG no way911'. Boy am I glad you like it. See this job brings in money since Embry's got no qualifications to speak of-

Embry: Hey!

Draco (sourly): So, he's not a mindless slave.

Faye (smiles sweetly at Draco): Don't be jealous, honey, you'll find love, too. One day. If you can stop looking like you're smelling shit all the time.

[Audience and 'Magic Wands' 'ooh' and laugh, mockingly. Draco's ears are red]

Faye: Moving on... Ah, Draco, it seems your wish to find true love is arriving much quicker than anticipated. A viewer, a fan of yours, wishes to convey her undying love for you.

Draco (smirks): You know, it's not so easy being this hot. Every single female in this room wants to have sex with me. It's just normal-

Faye (interrupting): Yeah, yada, yada, yada. Now, Anastasia-

Draco (scowling): Oh, her.

Faye (continues as if she never heard him): Anastasia wants you to forgive her for making you kiss Harry (Faye and a few other snigger, childishly) and she says she would have done the same with you if she had been on the show and- hey!

[The two teams wince as they realise Faye has had another bright idea.]

Faye: We should have a few of our viewers on the show to meet their heros. If Anastasia wants to visit Draco, she can. Let us know, people.

Anyhoo, moving on. Anastasia, wants Draco's forgiveness and this time she'll give you an easy dare.

Draco: Finally. An easy dare.

Faye: So, do you forgive her?

Draco: As long as she doesn't give me hard dares. If she stays on good behaviour then maybe I'll give her a little ... you know (he smirks as he trails off, letting everyone fill in the blanks).

Faye (rolling eyes): Right. Anyway, Anastasia wants you to do the ... 'macalana'? What's that? One second everyone, while I search on google. Hmm... Here we go. M-A-C-A-L-A-N-A. Macalana... Click on this. Ugh, too much to read... Ok, Macalana .. Macalana ... A dance... Bla bla bla. Ah! The Macalana is the Macarena. Oh! I see, I understand now.

Draco (grumbling): I could have worked that out in half the time.

Faye: Ok, then, genius, do the Macarena.

Draco (blinks): W-what is is that?

Faye (smirks): A dance. Now dance, pretty boy.

[The music starts and the audience claps to the beat. Draco dances to the song, but does not do the Macarena as he has no idea what it is.]

Faye (sighing): You are no longer attractive to me. Incompetent fool. Sit down.

Dear Anastasia has given us another dare. She says she ... oh-ho! She says she never liked Edward. Yes! I love you, girl. I really do.

Bella (pissed): Who does she-

Faye (furious): Zip it, blondie.

Bella: I'm not blonde.

Faye (muttering): Oh, yeah. Ah, whatever. It sounds better that way. You know, blondie.

Bella (nodding): I see, yes it does.

Faye: Saying 'brunette' doesn't sound good.

Bella: Or 'brunie'.

Faye (cackling): Brunie. Haha. That's great. (She chuckles for a while before sobering up again) Now, shut up, Bella Swan. You still royally piss me off.

[Bella pouts but stays quiet]

Faye: Now, Edwardo. Anastasia would like you to kiss Aro-

Edward and Aro: What?!

Faye: -and Jacob

[Jacob's chair topples over. He stares at Faye in horror, shaking. Soon afterwards, he bursts into a wolf. The audience, and the teams, but Faye and Snape, scream]

Faye (sighing): I guess that rules him out for now. Embry, take him outside please. He may feel the need to urinate or the floor. (Turns to Edward) so, you must kiss Aro now.

Edward: I really, really don't-

Faye: Do it.

Aro: I will not kiss him. I-I cannot.

Faye: Stop being so traditional. It's the twenty first century now, this is accepted.

Aro (sighing): Very well. (He shuffles over to Edward and bends over his chair. He then kisses him briefly and moves away. Edward looks mortified.)

Faye: Excellent. Now, let us move on to 'Leopardsky'. Leopardsky likes Dobby.

Dobby (squeaks): Really! Wow!

Faye: ... Yeah. She also adds that it was sad when you died.

Harry (face crumples): It was very sad.

Faye: So, anyway. Thanks for your messages, dear viewers. They are much appreciated. Anyone who wishes to send in some dares, or messages for the contestants, please do so. I will answer all of your messages.

Ok, so now it's for the debate. We have picked the representatives beforehand, to reduce any delays or arguments. For 'Magic Wands', we have chosen Snape, Lily and James... Awkward. For 'Team Twilight', we have chosen Jane, Renesmee and Jacob.

[Renesmee and Jacob give high fives sit next to each other. Jane strolls over to the table, her creepy eyes staring at Snape. She looks slightly attracted to him]

Faye: So. What are some of the ... benefits of Twilight, Jacob?

Jacob (smiling): Well, hot guys, like me.

Faye (sneers): Yeah. I guess you've got a point there. (Muttering) load of crap. (Louder) 'Magic Wands'? What are the disadvantages to a book series like Twilight.

Lily: Well, not to be rude, but, it's kind of about ... nothing.

James: Yes, I thought it was quite rubbish.

[Thunder claps, the lights come off. The audience screams.]

Faye: Aww, hell. Great. Thanks a lot, Lily and James. We're now in a power cut. Great.

**End of transcript.**

* * *

After the deadly lightening and the power went out. Faye ordered the audience to go home and attempted to find some candles and food to eat in the dark. She'd ordered both the Magic Wands and Team Twilight to sit in a circle on the floor.

They'd been sitting silently, except for some odd words here and there, before Jacob had an idea. His face lit up in excitement, as he turned towards an annoyed Faye. She put her hand in his face to shut him up.

"Look, hear me out." Jacob said. "We should tell scary stories or play truth or dare or something to pass the time. Don't you guys agree?"

"No." Faye said, shortly.

"Well, it's better than nothing." Voldy muttered.

"You don't call the shots." Faye narrowed her eyes at him. She sighed and shrugged. "Fine. Just keep it nice. You can't insult the authors, they could kill you guys in the next book they write."

"Well, they've finished, haven't they?" Harry said. "Writing, I mean?"

"So, what are you guys doing then?" Faye asked. "How are you still talking to me?"

"Well, the book was non-stop, on-going." Hermione answered. "But whenever we leave the book, we become our own person. In the book, the year would start over again and again, by the millionth time at the last book, we realised that we'd win the war and kill Voldemort anyway because it'd had happened so many times beforehand."

Voldemort cackled. "Yeah, right. If I hadn't concentrated on the details than I'd have won."

"Oh, just fucking shut up." Mrs Weasley snapped. "You got my son killed."

Faye looks around, eager to see the twins. "Where are they? Fred is still not still dead, is he? But, Dobby's still alive. I don't understand."

"Oh, no, he just popped to an off-licence near here." Hermione reassured Faye.

"What's an 'off-licence?" Faye asked.

"A shop."

"Right." Faye clapped her hands. "Ok, Hermione, truth or dare?"

"Truth." Hermione said, quickly.

"Were you ever attracted to Harry?"

Hermione's ears turned red. "Um..."

"Eddie." Faye said, turning to smile at him sweetly. "What's she thinking?"

"Ok, ok!" Hermione shouted. "Alright. Yes, I was once, just a little."

"What, so you like Potty, but not me?" Draco muttered.

"Draco, truth or dare." Faye said, suddenly, and Draco groaned.

"Dare." He said, hesitantly. He thought it would be better to avoid answering questions about his feelings and so on.

"You have to-" Faye tapped her chin with her finger. "You have to strip naked and run outside, run up and down the streets, screaming that 'they're coming to get you'."

"You know, I'm starting to like you." Ron said, grinning in delight.

"Yes, we all know you want to check out Draco." Faye grinned back at him.

Ron's face hardened and he returned to his former feeling of absolute hatred towards her. Faye just smiled sweetly and turned to an annoyed Draco.

Emrby returned with Jacob, who remained a wolf. They were ignored by everyone, since they were preoccupied with watching Draco.

Draco fumbled with his shirt buttons and Faye almost stood up to assist him (giggle), but thought that that was inappropriate. Draco finally buttoned down his shirt and peeled it off, leaving a fairly toned chest. Faye became unimpressed as Embry had much more toned chest and arms. Faye slipped her hand under Embry's shirt and stroked his bare chest and down to his abs, and Embry bit her ear in response. (It's getting hot!... Lol.)

Draco stood naked while everyone laughed at him. He stood with his back and shoulders hunched over, clearly embarrassed. He ran outside, and a moment later they could hear him screaming, "they're coming to get me!" Moments later, however, he arrived, hurriedly, looking afraid.

A couple of police officers had chased him into the studio. They clearly strained to see through the dark and stood still for a short moment. Suddenly, at that moment, the lights came back on and revealed quite an amusing group of people. Pale looking vampires, a naked man, two grown men wearing 'Team Edward' and 'Team Jacob' T-shirts, a Hippogriff, an elf, a man with no nose, most of the 'Magic Wands' wearing cloaks and odd hats, a werewolf in the corner, a half-giant among many other strange people.

The police officers stared in shock. Then they cleared their throats and attempted to appear somewhat in control.

"Who is the leader, or who's responsible for this - gathering?" Police officer no.1 asked.

Almost immediately everyone turned to Faye, who smiled, cheerfully. Police officer no.2 frowned, he couldn't expect such a harmless looking, pregnant woman, of early twenties, to be capable of such a thing.

"Oh, well." Police officer no.1 said. "We need to er... arrest you on the charges of ... Err... Misconduct and disturbing the public."

"I wasn't the one running around naked." Faye replied, still smiling.

"But, he was dared to do so. He informed us-no, screamed that he'd been dared as we caught up with him." Police no.2 said, looked around and caught sight of the hippogriff and the elf. "And, by the looks of things, you have animals kept in here illegally. This studio is not designed to keep animals."

"But, they are magical creatures." Faye defended. "That wolf is a human, but he turned into a wolf during a fit of rage. That elf ... is, well... is an elf. And, the hippogriff is ..." She turned to Hermione. "What is a hippogriff? It's a WHAT?" She turned back to the officers, sheepish. "Um, never mind. Look officer, we don't mistreat these animals-"

"Ok, you are crazy." Police officer no.1 said, picking her up by the arm. "You are coming with us."

"Hey!" Embry yelled, shoving the police officer away. The police officer was thrown to the other side of the studio.

Police officer no.2 called in back up, hurriedly. Police officer no.1 rushed back to confront Embry. Faye put a hand on Embry to keep him back. Embry complied and settled for glaring at police officer no.1.

"You know, you can't arrest me." Faye tried, as he handcuffed her. "I haven't done anything wrong."

"Please shut up, miss."

"But, but, we're in the middle of a production." Faye whined. "My viewers will get pissed. Please, officer, at least let me-"

"Shut up." Police officer no.2 said through gritted teeth.

"Jane." Faye said, in a last attempt, looking pleadingly at her. "Please use your ... voodoo skills."

Jane smirked at Faye. She was not going to help Faye, not even if she set her up with Snape. Ooh, speaking of Snape. She thought up ways to approach him. Her smile turned seductive. Wait, she physically looked like a young girl... Eh, who cares.

"I guess I'm screwed, huh." Faye pouted at Embry, who shuffled along after her.

As soon as Faye and Embry left the room, the music started playing, drinks were being given out and moves were being busted on the floor. Dumbledorr got stuck doing the splits and had to be dragged off the dance floor. Hermione and Ron did a slow dance. Edward approached Mcgonagall with a sweet smile and requested a dance. Bella thought nothing of it because Mcgonagall was not particularly young. Jacob danced with Renesmee until Bella karate chopped him, causing his head to fly off and her to start screaming in horror. Draco was thinking about Anastasia, wondering whether he would ever end up meeting his huge fan. But she was a muggle, so no relationship there. Voldemort and Bellatrix discussed muggle-borns and vampires, while attempting to belly dance. Bellatrix's hips shook so fast that Voldemort's eyes nearly popped out. He was loving that. Dobby was sobbing in a corner at the loss of Faye and Buckbeak the hippogriff was now disturbing Malfoy's thoughts and pecking him. It was revenge for the time he tried to get Buckbeak killed.

**At the police station...**

"Name, please."

"Faye Call."

"Place of birth, date of birth."

"La Push, Washington. 19th October 1996."

"Profession."

"TV host."

"Next of kin."

"Hubby, Embry Call." Faye gestured to her man.

"Right." The officer clicked his pen, and stared sternly over his glasses. "You need to enter the cell for now. You are awarded with one phone call until someone comes to bail you -"

"Erm, excuse me." Faye held her hand up, as if in class. "Er, my husband is here with me now. We'll pay the money later on, I'm going home now."

"Erm, excuse me." The officer mimicked Faye. "But, you need to stay the night, honey."

"You're so slimy." Faye said without thinking. "Er, I mean. I'm sorry, sir. Please lead us to our cell."

Embry slept outside the cell on the floor, next to a couple of guards. The guards glared down at him since he was taking up most of the corridor. Faye kept grumbling, and insulting the guards. The second guard decided to walk down the corridor away from her. The other guard, a bald, front toothless man, remained.

"Hey, baldy." She said for the 100th time. "You got a girlfriend?"

"Why?" He replied, gritting his teeth. "You getting tired of your man here?"

"Nah, just looking to find ways to insult you more." She hummed for a while before growing bored again. "You know I host an excellent show."

"You've said. Several times."

"I know, but I'll say it again, hun." Faye gave him a sweet smile. "My show has brought together Harry Potter and Twilight. The actual characters in the book."

"Hmm."

"Yeah, I know, awesome right." Faye stood up, excitedly. "I'm a character created by 'Bookwormfanactic' though. So are you."

"Sure I am." The guard rolled his eyes at the guard at the other end of corridor. "Hey, Bill, we got a crazy one here."

Faye widened her eyes in a crazy manner, walked over to the cell gate, stuck her head close up to it and waited for him to look at her again. Once he looked back at her, he jumped a mile in the air. Faye looked like a deranged crack head. She cackled, insanely, and chewed her bracelet, her eyes fixed on him, but she moved back.

The guard looked fearful. "Er, Bill. I'm kinda worried about this one."

Faye suddenly leapt at the gate and the guard screamed in horror. Embry's eyes popped open and flew off the ground, looking defensive. His fists dropped when he saw the guard cowering on the floor, staring at Faye with wide, scared eyes.

"Faye, what did you do?" Embry asked, wearily.

"Oh, nothing, baby." Faye smiled, sweetly. "Go back to sleep, honey."

Embry eventually went back to sleep. The guard was still cowering on the floor, but Faye grew bored of him and began singing songs.

"He took little Suzie to the Junior Prom, excitable boy, they all said. And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home, excitable boy, they all said." Faye stared at the guard with hard eyes, before chuckling. "It's a song."

The guard did not reply, only looked more freaked out.

"Don't you think it's weird that society's fucked up people are celebrated through music?" Faye commented, but she was not looking for any agreement, only seemed to want to speak. "It's so ... devilish. And I don't even believe in god. I mean, singing about raping a girl? Weird."

The guard still did not reply.

"If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room." Faye laughed and laughed. And laughed.

**10 minutes later...**

"You are fucked up, girly!" The guard threw her outside the station. "Don't ever come back."

"That is until I get myself arrested again." Faye called back. "I'll be back, sweetie."

"Fuck you!" He snarled and slammed the door shut.

"Well," Faye said to Embry. "That was easier than I'd thought it would be."

* * *

Please review, peeps! Pretty please. I mean, I need your dares and so on to keep the story going.


	6. Chapter 6

**Round 5**

Faye: Good evening, everyone! Welcome to a new episode of: Twilight VS Harry Potter. The show where we've plucked the Twilight and Harry Potter characters away from their creators' claws. Today we are expecting some surprises and treats among other things. And, of course, dares!

[A collective groan sounds from both teams. Faye maintains her huge smile, and looks to read from some sheets of paper]

Faye: Firstly, we will be reading the emails we have been sent in from fans. We must address their issues, dares and requests. We also have some guests coming in today. [Excited] anyway, the first message we have received is from 'OMG no way911'-

Ron: Is that really his or her name?

[There is a brief silence in which Faye looks sardonically at Ron. Ron's ears turn red in realisation of his stupdity]

Faye: Ronald Weasley, do you own a brain?

Hermione (smirking): Exactly what I would like to know.

Ron (glaring at Hermione): You're supposed to be my girlfriend.

Hermione: Yes, but you are very slow at times.

Ron: You said, you liked that.

Hermione: I do because it makes me laugh.

Ron (opens and closes mouth): I - I think that's rude.

Hermione (sympathetically rubbing his back): Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Ronny.

Ron (looking pleased): Yeah, you know- I just need some comforting right now.

Lavender: Oh, get a room. We know this is just gearing up to something I probably shouldn't say in this studio where we have young children [she smiles at young Ted Lupin]

Hermione (glaring): I think that you should probably mind your own business, Brown.

Lavender: Perhaps so, Granger, but you are being quite public about this all. We don't appreciate it being rubbed in our faces how happy you are.

Hermione (sighing): I'm going to be the bigger person-

Lavender (sneering): that because you literally are-

[Hermione gasps and flies out of her seat in fury. Faye stands between the two fuming girls and holds a hand between them]

Faye (calmly): if you guys don't sit down by the time I am finished counting to five, I will have to use some reinforcement.

[Both Hermione and Lavender remain standing, still poised]

Faye: Dear Jane?

[They run back to their sits, their tails between their legs]

Faye [turns back to camera]: Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I wanted to read some messages. OMG no way911 wanted to see more of Seth.

[Seth smiles, shyly]

Faye [grins] she writes that she thinks you're cute and that she loves you. [She begins to coo at a blushing Seth] aww, Sethy, you are way too adorable for your own good. Oh, I'm going to melt.

[Embry glares at Seth and Seth shrugs, rubbing his very red face. The Harry Potter crew looked confused and slightly creeped out]

Edward: Yes, she does have feelings.

Faye: Edward, I hate when you talk to yourself. Can you pipe down? As I was saying, Seth, she loves you. Oh, and she wants someone to sing.

Voldy: Why don't you do it? I mean, it's only fair.

Faye: Sure, fine. I have no problem with that. Anyone heard of Excitable Boy.

All: No.

Faye [smiled creepily] Great. Then:

Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best

Excitable boy, they all said

And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest

Excitable boy, they all said

He took in the four a.m. show at the Clark

Excitable boy, they all said

And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark

Excitable boy, they all said

Well, he's just an excitable boy

He took little Suzie to the Junior Prom

Excitable boy, they all said

And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home

Excitable boy, they all said

Well, he's just an excitable boy

After ten long years they let him out of the home

Excitable boy, they all said

And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones

Excitable boy, they all said

Well, he's just an excitable boy

[A long silence remained in which everyone stared at Faye in fear and horror, only Voldemort looked pleased. He stood up and clapped, wiping tears from his face]

Voldy: Beautiful... Just beautiful...

Faye[turning to Embry]: What did you think, honey?

Embry: Er... Well, you sang in tune.

Faye[looks pleased]: I did, didn't I? [She turns back to the camera] anyway, Anastasia wants to thank you, Draco.

Draco [perks up]: Oh, really?

Faye: Yes, she does. Why do you look so excited?

Draco: I - I don't. What? Pshh! Hehe, um.. What did she say?

Faye: she said that she's glad you've forgiven her.

Draco: oh.

Faye: and she wants you to talk for ninety seconds without pausing and saying 'um'

Draco: um...

Faye: Lost already it seems.

Draco: what shall I talk about?

Faye: things that you hate, that shouldn't be too hard for you. Start now.

Draco: I hate Potter, I hate Weasley, in fact, I hate all the Weasleys. I hate muggles, muggle-borns, death eaters-

Bellatrix: you are disowned.

Draco:... I hate dictatorial tv hosts who give me no peace of mind. I hate clingy girls like Pansy.

Faye: Oooh! I forgot she was even here. She never even brought any attention to herself for once. Bitch.

Pansy: You're the biggest bitch, Faye. What is your blood status?

Faye: oh, my blood carries the genes of strong wolves. Beat that!

Pansy: As if I would ever want to bear any filthy wolves.

Faye: Shut the fuck up or I shall unleash the green goo on you.

Draco: ... I hate Defence Against the Dark arts, geeky, know-it-alls-

Hermione: Hey!

Faye: He may not be talking about you... Actually he may.

Draco: and I hate death.

Faye [sighing] don't we all? Next dare is for Harry. Harry, you must touch your nose -

Harry: Ah, that's easy.

Faye: - with your tongue.

Harry: Oh. That's not so easy.

Faye: Hey, give it a go, it might not be that hard. I mean you are a wizard after all.

Jacob: hey, they can't use magic!

Faye: Jacob, dear, please remain quiet in this process. Harry, please start the dare.

[Harry tries to touch his nose with his tongue but fails. Faye grows thrilled]

Faye: Oh, dear. That means you must lick Snape's nose.

Snape: I will allow no such thing.

Harry: I have no choice I suppose. I mean, I already kissed Malfoy, can't get any worse. At least Snape saved my life.

Snape: I did save your life and I'm pleased my efforts have been realised, but that doesn't mean I want my nose licked.

Jane: May I-?

Faye: No, Jane. Especially not after you allowed me to get arrested. Snape and Harry, please hurry up, we're running out of time.

[Harry licks Snape's nose and shudders. Snape's expression is stony]

Faye: Excellent. Anastasia also dares Edward to hug everyone on the Magic Wands team 'seductively'. Hmm. Seductively? How does that work? But, actually, this is a good one. Edward will have his dream come true, I guess.

Edward: Er, I don't want to-

Faye: Yes, you do. Now hurry up.

[Eddy hugs everyone on the Magic Wands team 'seductively' and stops when he gets to Mcgonagall. He also hugs her seductively, even though Mcgonagall looks annoyed. He accidently-on-purpose kisses her on the lips and Bella gasps in pain.

Faye cackles in joy]

Faye: Excellent. Bella's heart is broken. Now, let's move on. Jacob, you must dip your finger into peanut butter ... Eww, and have someone lick it off. I hate peanut butter. Ooh! I would like Charlie to lick it off. Wouldn't that be hilarious?

Jacob [blinks]: no, that wouldn't be hilarious at all.

Faye: Yes, it would. What I say goes!

Edward: That's a little immature-

Faye: shut up! Now, Jacob, hurry please, the break is nearly coming up. Jeez, I really shouldn't have moved the slot up further. Anyway, before I get distracted, do the deed, Jacob Black.

[Jacob walks over to Faye's open jar of peanut butter and sticks his finger in Charlie's mouth, glaring hard Faye. Charlie's licks it off, grimacing]

Faye: That was good. Hurry up and sit down, Jake.

Jacob: Is that me done for tonight?

Faye: Wait a second, let me read the messages ... There's one for Jane, Bella. Yes, you do have one little one to do.

Jacob: Aww, man. That's ruined my day.

Faye: It's not that bad.

Jacob: It's not that bad by your standards.

Faye: Moving on. Jane, snape gets to give you a piggyback.

Snape: oh, shit.

Jane: Yes! Oh, my, god! Yes, yes, yes!

Paul [gives her a sour look] you sound like you're having sex or something. Calm down, jeez.

[Jane runs to Snape with speed and Snape's eyes widen in fear. Jane lands on his shoulders and digs her nails into him. Snape cries out in pain and Jane loosens her grip]

Jane: Oh, I'm so sorry, I was just excited. I'm sorry.

Snape: whatever.

Faye: Alright, break it up, guys. Oh, wait, she's allowed to stay on you for as long as she chooses. I forgot to mention that. Oops.

Jane: no, I'm hurting him, I should probably get down now.

Snape: Thank you.

[Jane smiles brightly, and Snape looks dazzled for a moment. He shakes his head and takes his seat]

Faye: Bella.

Bella: Hmm.

Faye: Anastasia hates you. She hates you so much that she wants to kill both herself and you.

Bella: What did I do to her? What have I done to receive such hate?

Faye: You're just annoying. Anyway, she wants you to kiss anyone of my choice.

Bella: Shit.

Faye: Billy Black, pucker up.

Bella: Oh, this is so awkward.

[Bella pecks Billy on the lips and moves away towards her seat]

Faye: You can stay there, honey. Sit on his lap and kiss him for ninety seconds.

Bella: I don't want to.

Faye: Shh. While she kisses Billy, we'll move on to another quick message before the break. Anastasia's second message is her telling us how much she loves Draco. Actually, after the break, we'll have a little surprise for you all.

Sadly, this will have to pause, we'll come back in a few moments time.

**_To be continued..._**


	7. Chapter 7

[Faye staggers onto the stage almost getting blinded by the light. She stumbles into Embry, who tries to hold her up, but she smacks his hands away and straightens her clothing. She grins at the contestants and the audience, resembling a dangerous, crazy shark... If such a thing exists]

Faye: Wow! It's so weird being back, isn't it? Am I happy to be back and ready to terrorise my chums? Goodness... I'm feeling quite giddy. Pheew! Hey, Embry, sweetie, give everyone a glass of champagne, we must celebrate!

[She looks around at the teams and beams at them. They wince and avoid her eyes]

Faye: How long has it been, guys? Half a year? A few years.

Paul (sour-faced): It's only been about a month, Faye. But, trust you to be deluded.

Faye: Oh, Paul. I won't even chastise you for that because I'm so happy to see you. You look well.

Paul (glares at her): You kept us in a gigantic freezer. Now, I don't know what possessed you to that, but I can assure you, that when I've murdered you, I'll put you in an oven instead. Or perhaps I'll put you in an oven TO murder you. Yes, that sounds fucking fantastic to me. Hey, Aro, what do you think about cooked human blood?

Aro (licks lips): That sounds interesting. I've ... never tried that before. Like barbecued food?

Paul: Exactly that.

Aro: Hmm... peculiar. And very appetising.

Embry: Paul, shut up and leech, over my dead body!

Paul (to Aro): I don't mind killing him with you.

Aro: Excellent. When shall we -

Faye (screams): SHUT UP! [Everyone stares at her in fear and she smiles again] now, we haven't finished just yet, so please let us be happy and calm.

Bella (muttering, darkly): Happy? How the heck can we be happy that we're being held against our will?

Edward (muttering to her): Exactly my sentiments, love.

Faye (dryly): Jane? Your talents are wanted.

Jane: Aren't they always? What now?

Faye: please threaten Edward and Bella Cullen, they're getting on my damn nerves now. Please zap them or whatever it is you do.

All except for Edward and Bella: Hell yeah!

Faye: Hell yeah... Embry, honey. Can you give me the messages from our dear fans? (Embry does) thank you, babe...Ok, so. We have to fans, in particular, that would like to meet their idols. Anastasia-

[Draco's ears turn red while Goyle elbows him, suggestively]

Faye: Anastasia! Please make your way through to the main studio. I repeat, make your way to the main studio.

Fred: Now, what?

Faye: Oh, Fred! Hey, I didn't see you there.

Fred: Er... How do you know me?

Faye: Oh, I read the Harry Potter books.

Fred: The Harry Potter books? What are the-

George: Oh, come on, Fred. There are books on Harry Potter, get with the program. I read it for a little light reading.

Faye: So do I? It's a great story. But, don't forget to say only good things about it or we'll get a power cut.

Fred: A powercut? What's a?

Faye: When the lights come off. Duh! Wow, he's quite slow.

George (grim): yes, he's been that way since he died. Quite tragic.

Faye (mourningfully): Yeah... (Looks around, suddenly aware) where's Anastasia? Embry, please go and find her. While we wait, a little someone, another special someone, also wants to meet her idol. Seth?

Seth: huh- oh, what? Sorry, I - I wasn't listening. Was there a question - something? Sorry, I just haven't slept in a long time. And - (Seth falls asleep in his chair, instantly snoring)

Jacob: Damn. Wish I could fall asleep that quick?

Faye: Whoa. I don't admire your lack of ambition. Is that seriously the thing you wish for, the thing you soul burns for?

Jacob: No, I wouldn't say that-

Faye: I'm just kidding! I love you, Jakie.

Jacob (scared): I - I love you, too.

Faye: Great... Now, where was I? Oh, jeez. Why do I always get so distracted? Um, oh. Oh yeah. "OMG no way911"! Yay! We get to meet one of our dedicated fans. (Jumps around, excitedly) Whoop-whoop! Everyone, say it with me: whoop-whoop!

All (tired): whoop-whoop.

Faye: Great oh and a whoop-whoop for Anastasia, who had finally found our way to us again. Come on, everyone.

[But the crowd needed no convincing, they stood up and cheered for Anastasia, remembering her awesome dares. Draco sits up, alert. He grins a little at her good looks. Reddish brown hair and bright green eyes. Draco is in love]

Anastasia (shy smile): Hey, everyone.

Faye (beaming): Hi! How are you?! Welcome! Welcome! You are just wonderful, Anna, I've been wanting to meet you since forever! Ooh. (She starts jumping up and down) I'm so excited to see you! Woohoo!

Embry: honey, you're pregnant. Calm down.

Faye (furious, snaps): Oh, alright! Jeez! Don't be such a wimp. Come along, Anna. Let me show you to your seat.

[Anastasia looks worried for her safety, but follows Faye to a sit next to her. Faye begins introducing everyone to Anastasia]

Faye: ... And that's Harry, and Ron. Ooh, and Draco! You know Draco, don't you?

[Draco's face was bright red, but he tried to look casual. He nodded at an amused Anastasia. Anastasia waved at him]

Faye: So... What are you waiting for, Anna? Mingle! The show hasn't started yet. We'll start when OMG no way911 arrives. Oh, god, I'm so excited for today's show. It's going to be brilliant. OMG no way911 thought my singing was great! Oh, I love her!

Voldemort: So... What do we do while we wait?

Faye (face brightening): Ever heard of charades?

[Horrified silence]


	8. Chapter 8

**Round six...**

Faye (speaking sombrely to the camera): dear, friends, family and guests. I apologise prufesly for the long delay. I know you want to attack me. I know you hate me, but just wait a moment for me to explain the delay before you do. I had to give birth.

You see, sometimes a woman grows pregnant and has to give birth. Unfortunately I did and I had to lay in bed, sobbing for a few weeks at the pain and anguish I had to go through. You males count yourself lucky. You don't have to have period, give birth-

Embry: honey, the show.

Faye (teary, but confused): huh, what?

Embry (gently): the show. Remember you're on air.

Faye: huh? Oh, yeah. (Smiling sheepishly) Wheew! Giving birth has made me lose my mind.

[Tittering from the audience and both teams]

Voldemort: didn't you already lose your mind?

Faye (smiling): Voldy, I'm not feeling the brunt of the insult coming from you of all people. You were a nutter from birth. What kind of a freak kills his own dad?

Tom Riddle: that's what I'd like to know.

Voldemort: shut up, dad!

Faye (musing): your dad is hotter than you. Huh. Interesting...

Bellatrix: what is attractive about that filthy muggle? My lord is beautiful, so handsome...

Faye: you have a husband, slut.

[Snorts, laughter from audience, even Voldemort chuckles a little]

Faye: anyway, I apologse for the delay. Yada, yada, yada. On to my messages. Oh, we've had a thousand hits, by the way. A thousand hits only 29 messages? Oh, dear. We're not doing so well, are we Embry?

Embry: 'fraid not.

Faye (sighing): oh, well. Let's read the messages we have received. 'snow eopard' considers this one of the weirdest shows. Well. That's actually a compliment considering we have freak shows on here.

[Team Twilight and Magic wands start muttering, darkly]

Faye: 'TeamJakenTDL' loves this show. Wow, thank you 'TeamJakenTDL' I'm flattered... I mean, WE'RE flattered. Moving on... 'shadowhunterherondale' is 'lol'ing, which is great... 'OMG no way911' wants to know why Seth went to sleep. 'Lollipop Lolli' is happy she got to meet me and ... Hey, she's still here. Hey, Anastasia!

Anastasia (waving): hi.

Faye: I'm sorry to invite you back here for another show, but if you want to leave, you can do so. I won't force you.

Draco (mutters to Anastasia desperately): no, don't leave me alone with these people.

Anastasia (smirking): I'll think about it.

Faye: that's my girl. Oh, and anyway, you said you were happy to meet me and Draco. So, Draco, count yourself lucky that you've got a girl like her. Last week we invited both Anastasia and 'OMG no way911' to the show.

'OMG no way911' come on out girl! We've been waiting for your arrival for some time now.

[Everyone watches quietly before a blonde girl with orange eyes walks on. She looks excited and runs up to hug Faye. Faye and the girl hug tightly, jumping around excitedly.]

Faye: Hey, Izzy! Oh, my god, I can't believe it's you. This is just unbelieveable.

Izzy: hi! This is so exciting. I can't wait to see the dares live. It's so nice to finally meet you.

Faye: oh, my god, you too. Sit with Seth.

Izzy (embarrased): actually, I-

Faye: sit with him.

[Izzy reluctantly walks away to sit with an alert Seth. Seth is staring at her, with wide eyes]

Faye (worried): please tell me you haven't imprinted on her.

Seth: ...

Faye: oh, shit...

Embry: the show. Babe?

[Faye reluctantly drags her eyes away from Izzy and Seth and looks down at her sheet, miserably]

Faye: (muttering) just one normal friend. I want one normal friend that's not connected to the fucking pack. (Louder, clearing her throat) ok, well... We've got the dares to do, guys.

[Team twilight and Magic wands freeze in horror]

Faye: first dare is from 'a random person'.

Izzy: what?

Faye: they call themselves 'a random person' they are not actually a random person. Actually they are, but that's not their name. My point is -

Embry: babe, subject matter is the dare.

Faye (huffing): alright! So the first dare is telling your worst fears. Professor Umbridge, please tell us your worst fear.

[Harry, Hermione and Ron grin at each other. People from Magic Wands titter, happily. Faye smiles, cheerfully. Umbridge looks annoyed]

Faye: oh, how I love to destroy lives. Well, Umbridge? We're waiting.

Umbridge: I fear nothing.

Harry: remember "I must not tell lies"? (Harry holds his hand up, where red writing is visible) don't forget, professor. Lying is bad.

Umbridge (grudgingly): ok, fine. I fear...attractive men.

[Audience and teams muttering to each other, some are laughing. Harry and Ron are laughing]

Faye (grinning): oh, really. Like my Embry?

Umbridge: yes...

Faye: and what happens if a handsome man is within your personal space?

Umbridge: I break out in spots. That is all.

Mcgonagall: that's not all. (Umbridge is glaring at Mcgonagall) She also suffers from bowel infections and constantly has to go and excrete.

Ron: huh?

Hermione: she constantly needs to shit.

Ron (realisaton dawning on him): oh.

Harry: how do you even know this, professor?

Mcgonagall (looking pissed): she always wanted to have girly nights in. She thought having me on her side would make things easier for her, so that she could move on to world domination.

Faye: you know, I always thought she was a bitch. Worse than Voldy.

Voldemore (rises from his feet, looking serious): no one is worse than me. No one.

[Tense, awkward silence]

Faye (slowly): I ...see... Yeah... Hmmm... I'm not seeing it. Umbridge wins hands down. She is more evil. Moving on, another fear. Hermione?

Hermione (biting lip): erm, failing exams.

[Faye laughs but Hermione looks serious]

Faye: surely you're not serious? (Pause) you are? Wow... Ok, well, Paul? Any fears. Don't forget, Edward can read minds.

Paul (groaning): fucking hell.

Faye: come on, just give in. You know I have so many resources against you. The green goo, Eddie, Jane. Just tell us your fear and we'll move on.

Paul: ok, fine. I'm scared ... of-of clowns.

[Howls of laughter overtake the snorts, the hoots and the shrieks of humour. The audience and the Magic Wands are loud enough, but the howls from the pack overtake that of everyone else. Jacob in particular is rolling around on the floor]

Faye (wiping her eyes): hehe, so funny. Now, guys, calm down. (Still giggling) Hehe. We have to do dares. (Annoyed). Guys, please. Hey- (Furious) QUIET!

[Instantly everyone is silent]

Faye: now, 'a random person' is daring Aro-

Aro: what have I done to deserve this?

Bella: I don't know, tried to destroy my whole family.

Faye: you would have deserved it, you and your weird looking baby. I mean, did the film makers honestly think that we would believe Nessie looked like that? It was badly made. Nessie looked odd. Her face looked like it was floating.

Bella: don't you dare talk about my baby like that?

Faye: honey, I tell it like it is.

Bella: ...

Faye: that's what I thought. Now, Aro give Voldemort your nose-

Vooldemort: Eeep!

[Everyone is shocked by the excited squeak that Voldemort makes and stares at him for a long moment. Then the inevitable shrieks of laughter begins. Bellatrix loses the look of adoration and gives Voldemort a dirty look, moving to sit with her husband instead]

Voldemort: I mean, er... Excellent.

Aro: I'm not giving my nose to that freak. I need my nose to take in the aroma of the blood in this room. I'm sort of feeding through my nose. I need it.

Edward (dryly): he's lying.

Faye: if you don't give him your nose, I'll kill you myself. Burn you alive. Oh wait, you're dead. Fine, I'll burn you dead.

Aro: ugh, fine! Jesus.

[He rips his nose off and throws it towards Voldemort, who misses and crawls under Dumbledorr's chair to get it. Dumbledorr kicks him]

Dumbledorr: oops. Sorry. (He laughs under his breath) Hehe.

Voldemort: you want to take this outside?

Dumbledorr: no, so sit down you little bitch.

[Everyone 'ooh's]

Voldemort (weary): I grow tired of this.

Faye: moving on, 'MissJakie emma' agrees that Bella sucks and that Jacob is hot.

Jacob (smirks): yeah, anything else new?

Faye (frowns): and she wants you to know that she loves you so so much and that you are the reasons she smiles everyday. She would like to hug or kiss you.

Jacob (to a jealous Paul): see, Paul? No one likes you. No one likes you because you're a pussy who's scared of clowns.

Paul: fuck you.

Faye (ignoring them both): Hey, you can come on the show if you wish, Emma. Just give us the say-so when you want to come over. I mean, Anastasia and Izzy did, and I dont discriminate so can you also come on the show.

Moving on, 'OMG no way911' aka Izzy, loves Seth.

Seth (surprised and blushing): oh, wow, thanks.

Izzy (smiles): no problem.

Faye: Izzy also thinks Bella is annoying and is sorry for Edward.

Bella (whines): why does everyone hate me?

Faye: because you're an unemotional, pathetic, dependent, little wreck, with no life or expectations outside of loving Edward. Everything you say or do is connected to him and that is fucking pathetic. He's not going to stay with you forever, he'll meet someone more mature, more closer to his age. Capische?

[Awkward silence. Bella bursts into tears. Edward looks uneasy and rubs her back]

Faye: sorry that it had to get like that. Right, Bella, I guess I'm sorry, now pull yourself together. I have a question from 'shadowhunterherondale'. What would you do if Edward left you for Tanya?

Bella: I ... Um ... hic... would.. hic... be.. hic... really upset.. hic.

Faye: ...

Bella: what?

Faye: nothing. (Looks down at sheet) There's a dare for Edward. (Looks up) Edward kiss Mcgonagall.

Edward: w-what?

Mcgonagall: I am not allowing myself to be kissed by that young man-

Faye: he's actually older than you.

Mcgonagall (astonished): oh, really. (To an embarrased Edward) But, what is your beauty regime? You haven't got a single blemish. This is fascinating, amazing.

Faye: he's a vamp. Or a blood-sucking leech, to be exact.

[The werewolves laugh, while the vamps complain]

Faye: Edward, hurry up and get it over with.

[Mcgonagall and Edward kiss. Bella looks revolted, but doesn't think much of it. Edward looks dazed when he walks back to his seat. He has a small smile on his lips. Faye sighs, shaking her head]

Faye: right, well. A short break guys. (Facing camera) We'll be back.

* * *

[Faye is conversing with Izzy and Anastasia by the refreshments table. Edward and Mcgonagall are having a hushed conversation. Bella is looking on, miserable. Jacob and the pack are making fun of Paul. Paul looks sad. Voldemort and Dumbledor are arguing. Buckbeak is sticking his beak up Aro's behind. Jane is showering an annoyed Snape with kisses.

However, none of this sight is more strange than the little elf staring at the host with glassy eyes. He stumbles towards her, his hands out, a dazed smile growing on his face. Embry appears out of nowhere and stops the elf in its tracks]

Faye: ...I love how you did your makeup, Izzy.

Izzy: thanks, I copied from a youtube guru. She's amazing, does all kind of eye makeup.

Faye (teasing smile on her face): did you do your make up to impress Seth?

Izzy (blushing): shut up, he's a werewolf; he'll hear.

Faye: fine... Embry, what are you doing to the poor elf? Are you-? (Gasps) hey, don't throw him outside! He's a character. We can't harm the characters.

Embry (growls): he's a nuisance.

Faye: you're a nuisance, but I don't throw you outside.

Embry: ...

Faye (backtracks): ok, it was only once. [Embry raises eyebrows] ok, maybe it was more than once, but I was pregnant. I was constantly hungry... er fat.. I was feeling weird...and you're strong than me, you could have fought back. But, poor Dobby is just-

Embry: 'poor' Dobby is trying to make moves on you.

Faye (frowning): well... he's kind of cute.

Dobby (beaming): thank you, miss Faye.

Faye (genuinely melts): aww. (Glances at watch). Back to the show- ah! Snape, what are you-

Snape (crazed look in his eyes): please help him! [Jane is close behind, sick smile on her face] help me, please. She's crazy... SHE'S CRAZY!

[He screams as she drags him quickly out of view. Everyone is left silent and horrified. Faye is biting her bottom lip, anxiously. Bookwormfanatic will kill her for losing one of the Harry Potter character. J.k. Rowling will - Faye shudders. She can't even imagine.]

Faye: shall we-?

Embry: nah, he'll be fine. Don't we have a show?

Faye (reluctantly): I suppose...

Embry (firmly): then let's get on.

Faye (unhappily): you're getting brave.

* * *

**To be continuned...**


End file.
